This post is dedicated to all the unbelievably oblivious tourists attempting to visit the Vatican when we were there in July. May your ignorance, rudeness, and obtuseness know no end, amen.*
How To Get Kicked Out or Denied Entry to the Vatican
In Three Simple Steps!
1. Bring your multi-tool,
kitchen scissors, pepper spray, or your spray paint! I know you think it'd be funny to show off your Swiss Army knife to the Swiss guards, but I'm sure that joke has lost its touch on them by now. Attempting to bring a weapon of any type into the Vatican is strictly prohibited and doing so could win you a free trip to the Vatican jail. Now
that would be an interesting stamp in your passport! But if you forgot to pack the machete in your luggage, proceed to step two.
2. Wear your best street-walking outfit. That's right, ladies; if you got it, flaunt it. Work what your Maker gave you! Bare those shoulders and show off those upper thighs. You might get a few glances before you're given directions to the red-light district. And don't think you're off the hook, gentlemen. Wearing a t-shirt with "F--- You" written on it might give you street cred, but it's not going to fly when it comes to the Vatican. The Swiss Guards will be eager to give you a finger of their own... as they point the way to the door. Oh, and they don't perform their wardrobe checks until
after you've stood in line for security, so the last laugh is theirs, bro! But if you're fresh out of inappropriate or profane clothing, never fear - there's still one more way you could get yourself kicked out. Proceed to step three.
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| Yep. That'll do it. |
3. Break out into a raucous rendition of "Wrecking Ball" accompanied by your best imitation of the music video. Preferably stage yourself right in front of the high altar for full blasphemous effect. Or if you're not into Miley, I'm sure Beyonce, Katy Perry, and Eminem would be equally inappropriate as disruptions are sure to give you a fast-track ticket for eviction. I'm sure they wouldn't frown upon a good Gregorian chant or a recitation of the Lord's Prayer, but if you can't remember any of the Latin you learned in middle school, just start humming sanctimoniously.
Bonus Tip: How to Anger Your Fellow Tourists!
Cut in line! Yes, that's right - if you're looking to anger, infuriate, aggravate, provoke and enrage your otherwise civilized fellow tourist, just stand
to the inside of the line waiting to get into the Basilica as you pose for a photo with St Peter's behind you. Then just keep inching towards the line and act as if you'd been there the whole time. Line cutting is the
perfect behavior for visiting the capitol of the largest Christian organization in the world! Oh, and to absolve yourself from any misplaced guilt you may have about not waiting your turn at the back of the line, pretend you don't understand any of the muttered complaints uttered in every language known to man by the people you just gypped. Just act like you only understand Klingon, smile banally, and go on with your line-cutting ways.
Have you ever witnessed inappropriate behavior like this?
*In case you aren't familiar with my humor (you should see
what I wrote about Italy's
Public Transportation System!), this is a very
tongue-in-cheek approach to describe our visit to the Vatican. These
things did and do happen to varying degrees. However, we had an absolute blast at
the Vatican, and a more upbeat and "serious" post about our visit
will hit the blogosphere in the future!
